It was a day full of emotion and tentative words. A day of loud silences, tears, and hugs. It was the day my child told me she was not “she,” but was he.
I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time, but I also wanted to wait until my teen gave me allowance to address this. Let me set the scene:
Since my child hit puberty, he has had a rough time. There was some bullying and a lot of self-loathing. We even had a brief time where he was suicidal. I chalked all this up to typical teen emotions and a hypersensitive child. I, too, was hypersensitive, but I learned to quietly swallow everything and bottle it up. Emotions were not dealt with healthily, so I have always tried to cultivate a safe and open environment for my husband and child. Emotions themselves are not unhealthy—it’s how we use those emotions that can be toxic.
We got through the middle school years and coasted into high school. Life was somewhat better, but my child still floundered. For 10th-12th, we let him do an online public school because of his sometimes crippling anxiety. By senior year, life seemed to be leveling out, and my baby graduated June 2015—just shy of his seventeenth birthday.
Fast forward to July 2015. I had spent three days at teaching GAfE for a school near Muskogee. After that last day, I eagerly headed home. As I flew down the turnpike between Tulsa and OKC, I tried calling my teen to check in. No answer (which is actually pretty typical). Then I got this text:
I stopped at the McDonald’s halfway to text my response (I don’t text and drive!).
Then this one came in (a Google doc was also attached):
My heart dropped. I’m not a worrier; I’m more of a problem solver, but when you get a text like this, you can’t help but feel a level of anxiety.
There in the McDonald’s parking lot, I read the attachment, with some trepidation. It was lengthy but beautifully and honestly written. I have raised a talented writer. J
To summarize, my daughter was actually my son. He had begun some soul-searching in recent months and realized the truth of his gender. He logically and eloquently explained how he arrived at this conclusion and shared his new name. He also remarked how the movie Inside Out helped him explore his identity since the emotions and the character Riley seemed more open and not set on a two-gender dynamic.
I read slowly and thoroughly. This was my child’s heart and soul on paper, so I took my time to chew on and digest.
Then, I cried…and prayed.
Let me clarify: I did not cry and pray this wasn’t true. I didn’t rail to God and ask, “Why?!” Instead, I cried and prayed I would say and do the “right” thing when I got home. I cried and prayed because my rational mind immediately clicked through statistics for LGBT people in America, especially transgendered people. I cried and prayed because I’ve read the stories about the beatings and/or murders of transgender people. I cried and prayed because I knew my child was about to begin a hard journey—harder than anything else we’d encountered. I cried and prayed God would give me even more strength to be there for my son. Then, I started home.
I managed to compose myself before I pulled into the garage. I took a moment and a deep breath. The next words out of my mouth had the potential to nurture or destroy my future relationship with my baby. I don’t say that capriciously: My child and I have always enjoyed a closer than “normal” bond. I have no idea how I am so blessed because I’m not really a nurturing person, but my child is definitely attached to his mother.
I walked into my house and saw my child in our kitchen. I walked around to him and said one of the simplest and most profound sentences of my life, “Hello, Coby. It’s nice to meet you.”
I will never forget the look of relief on my son’s face and how he collapsed into me. I surrounded my sweet child with my arms and my love. In that space of time I knew nothing had changed and everything had changed.
It’s probably the only time I have been 100% proud of myself as a parent. I have no regrets and don’t think I could have handled that moment any better.
The last year hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbow-farting unicorns. Coby is seeing a therapist for the anxiety. The therapist also focuses on LGBT issues with her practice, so that has been wonderful. We did keep all this pretty quiet for much of the last year, at my child’s request, to protect him. I even did the balancing act of saying “daughter” at school and to friends and family and “son” at home because I respected Coby’s desire for privacy.
We did enjoy a wonderful summer break together. In the last few months, he’s been much more open and much more confident. I am so proud of who he is becoming.
Ultimately, I have once again realized not everything in life is about me and my feelings; this is about my child realizing who he actually is and about him becoming comfortable in his skin. This has been about me not giving a flying f*** how my family feels or how anyone feels about my child. This is about my son being happy. Period.
As we have begun telling people, I have been amazed by the beauty and goodwill from some of our family (not everyone knows yet), our friends, and my students. While I have never minded letting Coby fight his own battles, I will say if anyone harasses my son for simply being who he is or if they deny him his right to live his life, this momma is ready to take on those people. Let me warn you, it won’t be pretty—for you.
You go girl! I love you both! It is nice to meet you as well Coby!ReplyDelete
Thank you so much for the love and support! I can't express how much we appreciate it!Delete
You are more than blessed to get to experience a life with a daughter and a son! Tell coby he is stronger, braver and more intelligent than most.... and when he is down or life gets him down; kick it in the balls. (He hasn't made it this far just off pure luck) ;)ReplyDelete
Thank you so much! I will tell him! The outpouring of support has made us all feel so loved.Delete
The courage you and Coby have displayed, and made visible to us, will save lives. If only every child had a mother like you, and every mother had a son like Coby.ReplyDelete
Oh, sweet friend, I pray it does help others and save lives and relationships.Delete
I don't know if you might remember me. I am a previous student from Sperry and I believe I was a senior the year you began teaching there, and unfortunately never had any classes with you. But I was dating Ariel Newman at the time. My name used to be Hannah.ReplyDelete
I hope you don't mind, but Matthew Helm sent me the link to this post. And it made me so happy.
I just wanted to reach out even though I only very briefly knew you to say that, though I didn't even get to have you as my teacher, I'd have been SO proud if I'd gotten the chance. And I'm so excited for your son and for you and the rest of your family.
I started my transition when I was nineteen. It'll be five years next month in November since I've been on testosterone, and it's been the happiest five years of my entire life. I know what it's like now to feel confident, and I so hope that Coby is getting to experience that already.
I know that he has been living as Coby for a year now and that you both have probably done research together and separately, and I'm sure Coby has role models within the trans community. But I wanted to offer - because I didn't have anyone nearby when I began my transition and I remember what it was like to have a thousand questions - to be a source or friend for either of you. I'd be absolutely happy to share anything about my experience so far. If you'd like to reach out to me, please feel free. I'd be so, so thrilled.
I am mostly just so thankful that Coby has a mom like you and that there is a classroom full of young people who get to have you as their teacher, as well.
Thank you so much for sharing this. And for your acceptance and support.
Oh wow. No, I don't mind Matthew sharing my link at all! :-) I'm humbled by your words and overjoyed by you finding happiness and self-acceptance. I will pass on your offer to Coby. He's still pretty shy, but social media makes it easier for people to make connections. You have no idea how much it means to me for you to even offer. Your kind words and generosity touch me more than I can express. I have to say the outpouring of love and support is due to people like you and the LGBT community. Thank you for your bravery in accepting yourself and sharing your story--it makes my son's journey just that much easier!Delete
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Beautiful. I have no clue how to describe how I feel, I have a hard time remembering certain words and how I use them.ReplyDelete